TL;DR
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In a Tiny Buddha essay, psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman describes how trying to get every part of life right at once can make ordinary tradeoffs feel like failure. He argues that accepting what a choice leaves undone can help people respond with less frustration, drawing on his own experience of an unexpected hospital visit.
Psychotherapist Steve Hauptman argues in a Tiny Buddha essay that people cannot meet every competing demand at once, and that treating the resulting tradeoffs as failure can add frustration to everyday choices. He illustrates the point with a hospital visit that interrupted his work and family plans, but ended with him accepting the wait and taking a nap.
Hauptman compares life to a Rubik’s Cube: making one side look settled can leave other sides scrambled. He writes that he continues to face choices between work and family, chores and writing, or exercise goals and foods he enjoys. The essay presents these as ordinary conflicts over limited time and attention, not problems with a perfect solution.
He frames his reflection around what he calls three paradoxes of control. Among them, he says, attempts to control other people can prompt them to push back, while gaining control in one area may mean giving it up elsewhere. These are Hauptman’s interpretations, illustrated with examples such as a person’s work success coinciding with distance from family; the essay does not present them as findings from a study.
The change he describes is not that competing demands disappear. Rather, he says he is becoming less likely to read an unfinished task or an unwanted choice as proof that he has failed. A writing day may leave chores undone, he writes, while a day spent on chores may leave the book unwritten. He calls the unfinished side of the cube a reminder that every “yes” contains a “no.”
The Cost of Competing Priorities
The essay’s point is relevant to readers managing work, relationships, health and rest at the same time. Hauptman describes how expecting every area to go well simultaneously can turn unavoidable choices into self-criticism: whichever option a person takes, another responsibility may remain unmet.
His account offers a personal perspective, not evidence that one approach works for everyone. Its practical distinction is between accepting a limit and treating it as a personal failure. Hauptman does not suggest that people should abandon goals or responsibilities; he describes trying to acknowledge the costs of a choice without protesting every consequence.
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Hauptman’s Control Paradox
Hauptman identifies himself as someone who has struggled with what he calls a desire to make reality conform to personal needs and expectations. He says this way of thinking can appear in relationships and everyday decisions, not only in overt efforts to direct other people. His essay links the desire for control without tradeoffs to disappointment when life does not cooperate.
He is also the author of Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, published in 2015, according to the biographical note accompanying the essay. The supplied material says a revised edition was forthcoming but gives no release date. The essay’s examples and conclusions are rooted in his own perspective as a therapist and writer.
““Well, this isn’t what I want, but it’s what I got, so okay.””
— Steve Hauptman, quoting Sylvia Boorstein
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Limits of the Personal Account
The supplied source is a personal essay, not a clinical study or reported investigation. It provides no research data establishing how common the described experiences are or whether accepting tradeoffs produces particular mental-health outcomes. Hauptman’s examples explain his argument but do not establish that the same pattern applies to every reader.
The essay also does not give a publication date in the supplied material, and the biographical note does not say whether the revised edition of his book has since been released. His account of a cardiogram finding and emergency-room visit is presented as a personal anecdote; no diagnosis or further medical outcome is stated.
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Acceptance in Daily Choices
Hauptman does not announce a program or next step for readers. He describes continuing to make tradeoffs while trying to see unfinished tasks as a result of choices rather than automatic evidence of failure. The essay’s closing example is his own: after being sent to the emergency room, he says he waited through tests, canceled six client sessions and worried about his family and costs, then took a nap.
Whether that outlook changes how he handles future conflicts is not addressed. The immediate takeaway in the essay remains personal and modest: not every priority can be met at once, and accepting a limit does not mean the person has failed to solve life.
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Key Questions
What is Steve Hauptman’s main point?
He argues that people cannot satisfy every competing priority at once, and that an unfinished task need not mean they have failed. He presents accepting tradeoffs as a way to respond with less frustration.
What does Hauptman mean by “control”?
In the essay, he defines control as the desire to make reality, other people and outcomes conform to personal needs or expectations. This is his framing, rather than a formal diagnosis.
What happened during the hospital visit he describes?
Hauptman says a cardiogram during a routine physical showed a blip that his doctor said could suggest a TIA, or transient ischemic attack, and advised him to go to the emergency room. He reports waiting for tests and canceling six client sessions; the essay does not state a final diagnosis.
Does the essay provide scientific evidence for its claims?
No. The source is a personal essay that uses Hauptman’s experiences and examples to make an argument. It does not report a study or provide statistics about the effects of accepting tradeoffs.
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